erica's thingy

death of my fairy tale prince

— a random poem i found while cleaning my room today

candy brain
tickled pink, my heart.

you traitor.

please forgive my expression
but you are just like the rest
you’ll never remember me,
but goddammit you’ll remember this.

i am parked,
obsessed and
completely unsure…
realize this and you will regret
me as much as i regret you.

never again will we get each other
i am rooted, full
blown calvary shooted

spill the beans, you
say to me.  spill your
heart, and crave me.
[as much as i crave you]

ashes on the floor
break me and burn
you will see my fury like never before
because i hurt and i one-up the score

so beg me and i will no more.  i shoot and
you will fall to the floor.

i feel like i don’t want to even start this blog because i don’t exactly want to delve back into the dream i just woke up from, but something inside me feels like i have to.

starring:  jeff, jeff’s mom, sarah, chynna, tom, amber, justin, and many more than i can’t remember at the moment.

it started with sarah, chynna, tom, amber, justin, a few others and i walking down some street somewhere.  a car suddenly pulled up with a bunch of gangster-looking guys in it, one of them with a gun.  they get out and start grabbing our stuff, and we start running.  as we do, two gunshots go off and they speed away.  tom was shot in the stomach and sarah was shot in the arm.  at this point tom disappears and it’s pretty much assumed he’s dead.  there’s a long pause in the dream at this point where everyone is sitting around crying about tom and trying to help sarah with her gunshot because for some reason she can’t get to the hospital.  we’re still in a city-setting here.

now comes a long series of us running around the city, trying to find somewhere safe, when we come to a street corner of an older man in a business suit with a gun.  there’s a woman in front of him pleading for him to do something or another, and he sticks his gun down his pants and shoots himself once.  a few cops pull up, and the guy goes on a shooting rampage.  chynna, sarah, and i duck into a little entryway area with a door.  chynna’s out front, sarah’s behind her, and i’m behind sarah.  none of us were shot, but a ton of people were shot on the street.  after the guy was detained by the cops, we ran even more.  this is where we lose amber and justin.  they’re not dead, they just don’t reappear until the end of the dream.

now this is where it gets creepy.  sarah, chynna, and i find ourselves in an open park, the grass is super green, kids playing, sunlight, etc…and i get a phone call on my cell from from jeff.  now, this is not only strange because i never used my cell phone before in the dream, but jeff killed himself over a month ago, so he can’t exactly place calls.  i talked to him for awhile, and he mentioned living in another country, disappearing for awhile, and wanting me to come with him.  i told him i would meet up with him just to talk and he told me any time and any place and then appeared next to me at the park.  he looked different, his eyes not that crisp blue color i remember, but a darker shade of brown, almost black.  he started talking to me bitterly about a lot of things that i won’t mention, but everything he said was with a lot of hate and a lot of angst.  we continued walking through the park.

this is where it gets hazy.  i know there’s an area in between here but i can’t exactly remember it.  the next thing i remember is doing some sort of ritual, and two other people showed up with jeff.  almost like they were his counterparts or something.  this is where jeff’s mom comes in.  there was also a strange dog throughout the entire thing, and when in my “normal” universe where chynna and sarah, etc lived, the dog was normal…but when i was talking to jeff, or had the ability to see jeff, the dog was larger, skinnier, and definitely more evil looking.  anyway, i did this ritual, which in the dream meant that i was connected to jeff.  it was almost like taking communion, you know…with the bread and wine.  after it was finished, his mother shook her head in disappointment and tried to get me to leave this universe.  helping to usher me out.  after i realized what i did, i left, returning to real life with chynna, sarah, and now amber and justin reappeared.

we’re in a large house, watching a movie, when very bad things start happening.  houses around us are collapsing, the wind is howling outside, it gets cloudy and dark.  jeff appears and basically commands me to go with him, and if i don’t, he’ll start destroying things and killing people.  when i touch his hand to talk to him, the wind stops, the sun comes out, etc.  so…i walk outside with him, crying…begging and pleaded that he allow me to stay, and the one line i remember precisely is, “why wouldn’t you want me to see my brother’s kids grow up, why??” anyway…i come to the realization that because of this pact i signed with jeff, that i had to go with him and leave all my friends and family behind.  they were all standing outside with me…chynna, sarah, amber, and justin.  i hugged each one of them goodbye while sobbing, and when it got to chynna, i collapsed in the pavement, grabbing onto her legs and wailing and telling her that i loved her and i’m sorry, etc.  at the very end of the dream, jeff grabbed my hand, tearing me away from chynna, and when i looked up at him, his eyes were purely black. 

and then i woke up.  great huh?  now i’m going to spend the next week trying to figure out what it all means, when in all actuality, it probably doesn’t mean anything.  it was just so vivid and so strange that i wanted to write it down so i could remember it later.

anyway, on with my day, i guess.

it’s 3am and i’m definitely going to be up for a few hours yet.  most people would call my sleep schedule strange or abnormal, but for me it’s plain and common sense; the time when the least amount of people are around and the world seems somewhat bearable for awhile.